Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Curtains! (Almost)

Morning Class,

Well here I am in my last week of my job for which I have been slaving away, fraternising with the species, learning new and exciting skills on how to look like I've done more work than I actually have, for the last 3+ years.

There's been ups and there's been downs.
Like the time I got caught stealing calculators (a misunderstanding) but escaped exposure due to reverse blackmailing my accuser about eating other people's food in the fridge.
Or loudly drunkenly enquiring 'who's bag is this?' on a boat on a drunken work night out repeatedly until realising, yes, the bag was mine.
The free shapes? Who can forget them, many a morning spent on multiple shameless/shameful trips back to the kitchen for more, more, MORE!

I will miss the peeps (some of hehe), those funny people that you spend most of your day with but take a loooong time to get to know. For me anyway... But will also be glad to say goodbye to some of those more annoying idiosyncracies. (eheheheheheh! repeat x10!!)

I movin on out to chase a new horizon, one that is golden and warm, carressing this little black duck with the inspirational sun rays of opportunity.

Stay tuned for more when settled in my new abode.

Yours Leavingly,
Prof Dave

Thursday, 16 August 2012

JackBlack Funeral

Hi There Students,

We'll we've underperformed at the Olympics according to certain sections of the media, and Olypmics kingpin John Coates has predictably come out questioning people's 'commitment' and bleating over insufficient public purse funding.

The pool wasn't as kind to us as it was in previous years, but seeing as though we seem to transitioning the 'old' (elite athletes on the wrong end of their 20s - OMG!) with the new (elite athletes who may just not be as outstanding as Thorpedo or canHackett) was this really a surprise?

Lets be mature enough to realise at the last 3 olympics we've been punching well above our weight, and now the reality chickens have come home to roost. Besides does all our previous success in ' olympic shooting' really count? It's not exactly pole vaulting or running really fast is it. Any 'sport' that you can feasably do with a hip flask in your pocket and a ciggie in your gob doesn't hold much water with the Professor.

Watched a great new movie the other day called Bernie.

Jack Black stars as a mild mannered good samaritan Funeral Director in the good ol boy south. He excels in all areas of funeral directing, specialising in comforting and befriending little old grieving widows. One such widow is a super rich, super bitch Shirley Maclaine..... to say any more would travel into Spoilerville TX.

This one is a real winner that excels in seamlessly driting between comedy and drama. IMO this is Jack Black's finest performance to date. He absolutely nails this character and carries the whole movie brilliantly. Bernie loves singing hymns and performing in musicals, so watching tubby JB sing and dance around gaily is a delight.

This is also based on a true story and seamlessly splices in to-camera interviews from actual townspeople.

Can't reccomend this enough - 4/5.

Your's Blessyoursoulingly,
Prof Dave

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Gold Gold Gold!

Gold for Australia! Um....... If anyone has any spare gold medals lying around they weren't going to do anything with.... we could take them off your hands.

You see we're used to winning gold from splashing around in a pool, or hitting balls around, or jumping over stuff. Winning is what makes us great and we were doing that way before Charlie Sheen, but this time the crappy english weather and twitter/gun/pill scandals have gotten to us and we need a bit of a leg up so we can pump up our heroes for our kiddies to look up to.

Yours Disallusionedly
Prof Dave

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Got Ham on a Dark Night.....

Hoi I've got a problem with the outcome you people sent me?
Ok certainly I can help can I ask who I'm speaking with?

Lauren Barrygibson from Fremantle flight office Howareyoi?

I'm fine thanks and yourself?

Your system won't work when I try to complete this policy...

Ok I can help with that. Can you advise is there a particular error

It won't..... work.

So when you put that in you need to make sure you do A before you do B

That's what I did but it didn't work. I'll try again.

Ok sure just to let you know you need to....

Oh look it's working now, it wasn't working before. I wonder why stupid system.

Great sounds good

Whoi does this happen, it's obviously not my fault for being an idiot, it's your company.

Ah, I'm not sure it should be working as long as you....

No No, I can't possibly accept any responsibility for my own incompetence, it must be you

Well in any case, I'm glad....

Ok thanks boi

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Blue 32! Blue 32! Hut Hut!

Hi Funsters,

I recently turned 32. Yay.

Have I wasted my life, or has my life wasted me?

If I could atleast grow a cool beard now please? It doesn't need to be Kurt Russell from 'The Thing' awesome (even though that would be awesome), but perhaps some sort of nicely groomed Johnny Depp type thing.

I take full responsibility for any personal feelings of any regret ofcourse, but I also blame society and nature itself for filling me with the expectations of:

A) Being rich
B) Being Successful in business or chosen profession
C) Being a movie/rock star or adored avante garde artist swimming in Dom Perignon and busty beauties.
D) Growing a cool beard

I haven't even really had the chance to 'sell out' like people do in the movies. Push my 'morals' down deep for the sake of hundreds and thousands (not the biscuits). I'd be happy to give that a go, because then once you've obtained the riches you can always turn to the religion of the month for a quick drive thru born again session forgiveness meal thank you come again.

Please don't take the above too seriously, it's just the cold of winter getting to me.

Yours 32ingly,
Prof Dave

Friday, 29 June 2012


So much mucus! I have a cold. It's been going on for almost 2 weeks now!

It's unbelievable the amount of snot and mucus that can build up in your sinuses to be expelled from your nose. Not only that, but the rate of regeneration of more mucus is at such a rate not seen since the gestation period of bio weapon aliens in PROMETHEUS!!!!

Speaking of the big film, I had high hopes for this as I am a big fan of Alien/s and I have to say I came out a tad disappointed. I liked the big answer to the big question we all had, but I didn't really like how it got there.

My main gripe was this. Call me pedantic, but if you have a space crew travelling to investigate the potential "most important answers in human history" (not to mention find the first(?) alien life in a galaxy far far away), is it too much to ask to have a crew that is professional, regimental even? Follows procedure? Has a discernable leader? Isn't a rag-tag bunch of sterotypical hollywood one dimensional archetypes?

Also, why pay Charlize Theron's hefty price tag if you're not going to give her anything to do? When she had her big reveal with old man make up Guy Pearce, I thought "Um I cared about x1000000000 times more with Vader and Luke".

Other than that the monsters were great, Fassbender as the Lawrence of Arabia robot was really great, as was the woman playing Ripley's mother/grandmother/great grandmother. Everything looked great and sounded great, even though I would've opted for a more sparse soundtrack, rather than blasting orchestral reveals screaming 'this is the most amazing thing we've seen since the Avatar jungle'.

A couple of the horrific sequences were indeed the most horrific to be displayed on the cinescope in quite some time and they were really effective. Performing your own last second alien abortion via Robo Doctor looks fairly unpleasant.

Yours Intelligence Insultingly,
Prof Dave

Friday, 22 June 2012

It was just so Vivid

Hey nonny know,

Please take yourselves back to a few weeks ago, as this post was meant to be posted then but I thought it had deleted before I could save and only now just discovered it in drafts! All hail drafts!

Braved the cold and went out the Sydney Vivid Light Festival on saturday night with the rest of the state. Lubed up with a few drinks and met some mates and had some laffs and ventured down to begin at Customs House.

All I can say is Mega Super Amazeballs all round!!

Basically this was a living, breathing, animated cartoon tale of Sydney's ins and outs from sunrise to sunset and everything in between. Alarms went off, a man hit his snooze button on the left of the building while a lady hopped into the shower on the right. Trains left their stations while little ant people got on and off. Little dots were playing tennis while another man was still contemplating which tie to wear for the day. A huge jet streamed across the sky while cartoon people walked back and forth on daily adventures. Another man appeared to be doing a boxing class for some reason while a bi-plane reminiscent of the Red Baron (???) flew over. Suddenly the sky darkened and rain and hail bucketed the city while people fled. With the riff raff washed away, the sun returned to start a new phase.... A truly incredibly achievement. The way the building seemingly shifted and moved in front of your eyes was truly mindblowing. Almost as if one has taken some sort of hallucinogen....

Yours Trippingly,

Prof Dave

Wrestling Genie Grants 3(00) wishes

Good Morn World,

This week the face of World Wrestling Entertainment or WWE John Cena granted his record breaking 300th wish for a poor sick kiddy attached the 'Make a wish' foundation. http://worldwish.org/?gclid=CKqKt4bL4LACFaVKpgodpWxF1g

As most probably know, this foundation 'grants the wishes' of kids with life threatening medical conditions who are usually bed ridden day in day out. Their simple wish: to meet John Cena their hero.

John Cena is now the most popular celebrity 'wish granter' in the history of the make a wish foundation.

The fact that a professional wrestler has achieved this is pretty amazing to me. He's a professional wrestler. What some would call a 'fake' or a 'phony'.   
He's not a box office action movie star like Arnold Schwarzenegger or popular wrestler turned movie star Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, a superstar from the world game like Pele, Maradonna or David Beckham, he's not a pop music icon like the late Michael Jackson or (gulp) the Spice Girls.

John Cena has been on the top consistently in his field for about 7 years or so, virtually more than any big wrestling superstar in recent history. However the business itself is decidedly not in a booming period like it was in the 'Golden Era' of the late 80s with Hulk Hogan's Hulkamania, nor the second recent boom period  or the late 90s early 2000s starring WCW's New World Order, WWEs Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock.

Personally as a wrestling fan, I'm not a big fan of John Cena. He seems a bit too fake for my liking and no the irony is not lost on me. But the reason is simple, he isn't marketed towards me, more towards little kids aged, say, 5 to 12. The WWEs bread and butter for the future. I guess this milestone is a grim proof that the marketing is working.

But it's also proof that herer we have a guy at the head of a company who is doing his best to give back something to his fans, the fans who are most in need.

No matter what I think about the character, I have to give major credit to the man John Cena for taking time out of constant travelling, training and performing to take 300 seperate visits to see sick and dying kids who have personally requested to see him.

I can't imagine what that is like - to be a hero of sorts to little kids in arenas and PR appearances, but then get hit with the reality of that when taking part in charities like make a wish. Individually seeing children on their potential death beds in hospital or in wheelchairs, tubes attached, underweight, pale, raspy voices. I have to believe that sort of exposure to those situations has a certain psychological effect on you.

But I can't really understand what that's like, for all involved and neither can most people who are luckily healthy.

Friday, 8 June 2012

Aaaah! (good aaah)

As I write this, I'm sipping into my first decaf extra hot flat white with one IN A WEEK! It's good. Sweet. Exxxxtra hot. Piping even.

Just on the 'extra hot' thing, is it not a grave indictment on our society when one has to engage additional oxygen to order their coffee EXTRA HOT just to receive the beverage (shock, horror) hot? Because that's been my experience in Sydders, and at the risk of sounding petty its simply unacceptable.

Prior to my 'extra hot' existence I was but a naive fool thinking that when you orded a coffee, it would arrive in it's traditional temperature of HOT. Not molten lava - I'm not mental or anything, but hot enough that you can't shove it all down your filthy gullet in one go and it warms your heart.

What a fool I was. I found that in most places you'd get served up some coffee substance barely warm or even LUKE warm, god help us. At first I thought 'Well I'm sure it's just a one off, they're having a bad day'. But it happened again and again AND YET AGAIN, like some Groundhog Day cafe scene in hell.

I even heard of some demented individuals ordering their coffee's as warm because it was too hot. Heavens!

Screw this town.

Yours Pipingly
Prof Dave

Wednesday, 6 June 2012


Hello Friend,

In de New York City!

It's Offical - Mitt Romney for Amercia!
Venus trumps Sun, next stop The Voice!
Prometheus has me pissing my xenopants!
League boss told to Gallop out of office (hurr)!

Try the mould wine it's fantastic! You're a wonderful audience.

Yours Hilariously,

Prof Dave

Friday, 1 June 2012

We've only just begun..... to liiiii-detox!

Hello Friend,

Ok first day of detox for me and Mrs Professor today. Started the day out bright with a charming breakfast of slightly taste challenged porridge with lovely stewed apple and 'forrest' berry. I don't really understand porridge - if it looks like baby vomit and tastes like baby.... well you get the idea.

Anyway I'm on calorie king now, off bread, dairy, coffee and alcohol etc for a week and I'm eating good stuff. Only a few hours in at this stage, so haven't had my snack of raw nuts yet but you better believe that's a coming.

And I am cheating for lunch as a team member is leaving work so we're having lunch out. But I'll go the healthy option, whatever the pub down the road pretends is in any way healthy.

I'm not really too worried about missing out, really I'm not. I just need to install some sense of discipline for the first time in 30 years. But fear not dear readers, this moderately love handled tall drink of sweetwater will not rest until the transformation into MegaGeorge Clooney (without the smugness) is complete! Or perhaps a not-as-muscled up Christian Bale (without as many angry outbursts).

Yours Detoxingly,
Prof Dave

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Hearing Impaired Land Mass

Finally my copy of 'Silent Hill HD collection' arrived from Taiwan or wherever yesterday and I got stuck into Silent Hill 2 on my trusty noisy PS3.

For those not in the know, Silent Hill is a franchise of 'survival horror' games characterised by weird settings and alternate realities, violent beings seemingly from YOUR OWN NIGHTMARES. And all you have to battle these things is a plank with a rusty nail on the end.

Initially I thought 'this sucks' as the control scheme is incredibly archaic and the graphics, while nicely HDerized, are still very PS2-like. Also the first 20 minutes are just spent running around a deserted forest and town.

However once I happened upon an abandoned apartment block and was wandering around in the dark, I started to feel that familiar uneasy feeling when I couldn't see shit but I could hear distant shuffling combined with sparse scary chords of the soundtrack.

I entered a dark room with my breath held. I could see light. Also an image which curdled my blood and warded off future hiccups for the remainder of 2012. A woman's torso. Stock still. AAAH! Upon further inspection it turned out to be a valuable torch hanging around a mannequin body. Perfectly normal.

This is the appeal of Silent Hill.

Yours, Brown Pantsingly

Prof Dave

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The oil age

Good to see men's hair oil has made a significant comeback, even outside the rockabilly circles.

Been thinking about some sort of hair oil app for smartphones which could yield millions. If anyone ever reads this I've already patented the idea so you're wasting your time.

I don't think I have the kind of head of hair for hair oil or cream. I do like the idea of cream better than oil though. Is that Freudian?

Pretty good standard of Eurovision this year, even though it's still tough to stick with unless you playing Eurovision bingo with the aid of vodka, beer etc. The general style of 'song' seems to be either power ballad or eurotrash vocal trance pop, with obscure local style thrown in here and there.

I did feel sorry for the old grannies from Russia who were up there performing. Putin probably had their families held hostage in the wings.

Your's Slickly,

Prof Dave

Friday, 25 May 2012

People of the world,

This is my first foray into blogging, thank you so much for joining me.

It's no secret that I'm a man of the people, and like the people south of the the border in the Wales of New South I too was outraged and outraged some more over the ending to the recent State or Origin match.

Somehow it seems the modern game of Rugby League has been reduced to analysing scoring opportunities at .01 frame a second, or 'snail speed' as my old primary school headmaster wouldve said. If you slow down footage slow enough, you can apparently say with all certainty that this player intentionally 'lead with the foot' or the other player 'wasn't playing at the ball'.

Hardly in the spirit of the working man's game is it? Countless players of the past before the digital age probably got away with try scoring murder, however I would rather that than analysing every possible try 58 times from 7.3 different angles before coming to the wrong conclusion.

Blind Freddy himself commented to me that GI lost control of the ball over the line and knocked it on. Despite his lack of visual chops my mate Fred saw from the first replay what the rest of us did - he dropped the ball.

In any case no use crying over spilled cow juice is there. The blues still need to learn how to score tries in order to win the game. That was the overriding factor in Origin 1 2012 and not the dodgy calls. Just please don't ruin the top spectacle of the game of rugby league with too many f**ing camera angles and slow mo.

Also i'm keen to check out the screen adaptation of 'The Woman in Black' starring Harry Potter. Caught the play in london on the west end and it's the best play I've ever seen (haven't seen many, but still). Plenty of chilling moments that make you jump. Check it out.

Friday today, bring on the weekend, and bring on the Eurovision party!

Puzzlingly Yours,

Professor Dave