Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Curtains! (Almost)

Morning Class,

Well here I am in my last week of my job for which I have been slaving away, fraternising with the species, learning new and exciting skills on how to look like I've done more work than I actually have, for the last 3+ years.

There's been ups and there's been downs.
Like the time I got caught stealing calculators (a misunderstanding) but escaped exposure due to reverse blackmailing my accuser about eating other people's food in the fridge.
Or loudly drunkenly enquiring 'who's bag is this?' on a boat on a drunken work night out repeatedly until realising, yes, the bag was mine.
The free shapes? Who can forget them, many a morning spent on multiple shameless/shameful trips back to the kitchen for more, more, MORE!

I will miss the peeps (some of hehe), those funny people that you spend most of your day with but take a loooong time to get to know. For me anyway... But will also be glad to say goodbye to some of those more annoying idiosyncracies. (eheheheheheh! repeat x10!!)

I movin on out to chase a new horizon, one that is golden and warm, carressing this little black duck with the inspirational sun rays of opportunity.

Stay tuned for more when settled in my new abode.

Yours Leavingly,
Prof Dave

Thursday, 16 August 2012

JackBlack Funeral

Hi There Students,

We'll we've underperformed at the Olympics according to certain sections of the media, and Olypmics kingpin John Coates has predictably come out questioning people's 'commitment' and bleating over insufficient public purse funding.

The pool wasn't as kind to us as it was in previous years, but seeing as though we seem to transitioning the 'old' (elite athletes on the wrong end of their 20s - OMG!) with the new (elite athletes who may just not be as outstanding as Thorpedo or canHackett) was this really a surprise?

Lets be mature enough to realise at the last 3 olympics we've been punching well above our weight, and now the reality chickens have come home to roost. Besides does all our previous success in ' olympic shooting' really count? It's not exactly pole vaulting or running really fast is it. Any 'sport' that you can feasably do with a hip flask in your pocket and a ciggie in your gob doesn't hold much water with the Professor.

Watched a great new movie the other day called Bernie.

Jack Black stars as a mild mannered good samaritan Funeral Director in the good ol boy south. He excels in all areas of funeral directing, specialising in comforting and befriending little old grieving widows. One such widow is a super rich, super bitch Shirley Maclaine..... to say any more would travel into Spoilerville TX.

This one is a real winner that excels in seamlessly driting between comedy and drama. IMO this is Jack Black's finest performance to date. He absolutely nails this character and carries the whole movie brilliantly. Bernie loves singing hymns and performing in musicals, so watching tubby JB sing and dance around gaily is a delight.

This is also based on a true story and seamlessly splices in to-camera interviews from actual townspeople.

Can't reccomend this enough - 4/5.

Your's Blessyoursoulingly,
Prof Dave

Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Gold Gold Gold!

Gold for Australia! Um....... If anyone has any spare gold medals lying around they weren't going to do anything with.... we could take them off your hands.

You see we're used to winning gold from splashing around in a pool, or hitting balls around, or jumping over stuff. Winning is what makes us great and we were doing that way before Charlie Sheen, but this time the crappy english weather and twitter/gun/pill scandals have gotten to us and we need a bit of a leg up so we can pump up our heroes for our kiddies to look up to.

Yours Disallusionedly
Prof Dave

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Got Ham on a Dark Night.....

Hoi I've got a problem with the outcome you people sent me?
Ok certainly I can help can I ask who I'm speaking with?

Lauren Barrygibson from Fremantle flight office Howareyoi?

I'm fine thanks and yourself?

Your system won't work when I try to complete this policy...

Ok I can help with that. Can you advise is there a particular error

It won't..... work.

So when you put that in you need to make sure you do A before you do B

That's what I did but it didn't work. I'll try again.

Ok sure just to let you know you need to....

Oh look it's working now, it wasn't working before. I wonder why stupid system.

Great sounds good

Whoi does this happen, it's obviously not my fault for being an idiot, it's your company.

Ah, I'm not sure it should be working as long as you....

No No, I can't possibly accept any responsibility for my own incompetence, it must be you

Well in any case, I'm glad....

Ok thanks boi

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Blue 32! Blue 32! Hut Hut!

Hi Funsters,

I recently turned 32. Yay.

Have I wasted my life, or has my life wasted me?

If I could atleast grow a cool beard now please? It doesn't need to be Kurt Russell from 'The Thing' awesome (even though that would be awesome), but perhaps some sort of nicely groomed Johnny Depp type thing.

I take full responsibility for any personal feelings of any regret ofcourse, but I also blame society and nature itself for filling me with the expectations of:

A) Being rich
B) Being Successful in business or chosen profession
C) Being a movie/rock star or adored avante garde artist swimming in Dom Perignon and busty beauties.
D) Growing a cool beard

I haven't even really had the chance to 'sell out' like people do in the movies. Push my 'morals' down deep for the sake of hundreds and thousands (not the biscuits). I'd be happy to give that a go, because then once you've obtained the riches you can always turn to the religion of the month for a quick drive thru born again session forgiveness meal thank you come again.

Please don't take the above too seriously, it's just the cold of winter getting to me.

Yours 32ingly,
Prof Dave

Friday, 29 June 2012


So much mucus! I have a cold. It's been going on for almost 2 weeks now!

It's unbelievable the amount of snot and mucus that can build up in your sinuses to be expelled from your nose. Not only that, but the rate of regeneration of more mucus is at such a rate not seen since the gestation period of bio weapon aliens in PROMETHEUS!!!!

Speaking of the big film, I had high hopes for this as I am a big fan of Alien/s and I have to say I came out a tad disappointed. I liked the big answer to the big question we all had, but I didn't really like how it got there.

My main gripe was this. Call me pedantic, but if you have a space crew travelling to investigate the potential "most important answers in human history" (not to mention find the first(?) alien life in a galaxy far far away), is it too much to ask to have a crew that is professional, regimental even? Follows procedure? Has a discernable leader? Isn't a rag-tag bunch of sterotypical hollywood one dimensional archetypes?

Also, why pay Charlize Theron's hefty price tag if you're not going to give her anything to do? When she had her big reveal with old man make up Guy Pearce, I thought "Um I cared about x1000000000 times more with Vader and Luke".

Other than that the monsters were great, Fassbender as the Lawrence of Arabia robot was really great, as was the woman playing Ripley's mother/grandmother/great grandmother. Everything looked great and sounded great, even though I would've opted for a more sparse soundtrack, rather than blasting orchestral reveals screaming 'this is the most amazing thing we've seen since the Avatar jungle'.

A couple of the horrific sequences were indeed the most horrific to be displayed on the cinescope in quite some time and they were really effective. Performing your own last second alien abortion via Robo Doctor looks fairly unpleasant.

Yours Intelligence Insultingly,
Prof Dave

Friday, 22 June 2012

It was just so Vivid

Hey nonny know,

Please take yourselves back to a few weeks ago, as this post was meant to be posted then but I thought it had deleted before I could save and only now just discovered it in drafts! All hail drafts!

Braved the cold and went out the Sydney Vivid Light Festival on saturday night with the rest of the state. Lubed up with a few drinks and met some mates and had some laffs and ventured down to begin at Customs House.

All I can say is Mega Super Amazeballs all round!!

Basically this was a living, breathing, animated cartoon tale of Sydney's ins and outs from sunrise to sunset and everything in between. Alarms went off, a man hit his snooze button on the left of the building while a lady hopped into the shower on the right. Trains left their stations while little ant people got on and off. Little dots were playing tennis while another man was still contemplating which tie to wear for the day. A huge jet streamed across the sky while cartoon people walked back and forth on daily adventures. Another man appeared to be doing a boxing class for some reason while a bi-plane reminiscent of the Red Baron (???) flew over. Suddenly the sky darkened and rain and hail bucketed the city while people fled. With the riff raff washed away, the sun returned to start a new phase.... A truly incredibly achievement. The way the building seemingly shifted and moved in front of your eyes was truly mindblowing. Almost as if one has taken some sort of hallucinogen....

Yours Trippingly,

Prof Dave